Why are so many women crippled? In part, because of that old male-female pattern, in which a male uses male aggression (typically inherited from and modeled by his own scary dad) to step in front of a female, or to otherwise dominate, in some way. This is especially effective, if the female’s dad likewise had a scary part that kept his wife and/or children in line. In that case, a girl also sees that her mother is afraid of this part of a man and will ‘cow down’ to it. Since a girl typically also depends upon a father for resources and protection, she may develop a blind spot or ‘put on blinders,’ so she only sees a better or the protective part of any male. This pattern then carries over from childhood, in men and women, both. (If you suspect that you have blind spots, your soul will know it, and your mind can ask it.)
How do men set up this dynamic? An aggressive ‘dog’ is used as a metaphor for it, since, as a dog does, it may start with just a quick showing of its teeth, which could be as subtle as a narrowing of the eyes or a sharper tone of voice. As the female then senses that the male is becoming frustrated or agitated, she, like the smaller ‘dog’ in this dynamic, will show that she is submissive in some way. If she does not, then the male will show even more teeth or start to ‘growl’ in some way. If the female does still does not comply, the male may lash out, verbally, or otherwise become ‘mean.’ Some men, if not allowed to dominate, will lose their tempers or, if challenged by a woman or child, might fail to ‘hold onto themselves.’ This is comparable to a dogwalker losing control of a big, aggressive dog determined to dominate a smaller animal. Even if the larger dog is on a leash, its handler still cannot fully control it. Some fathers explained how this happened to them in an article for The Atlantic, “Why Is Dad So Mad?: A father dares to explore his rage” by Daniel Engber (July/August, 2022.)
Some men, especially ‘professional’ ones, take a different tack, often scolding any female patient or client, placing her in the child role, with themselves in the father role; so she will yield to their authority and surrender her autonomy. If she does not, or challenges them, they might bring out their ‘attack dog,’ instead. They expect to be in charge and that they and their ‘needs’ also have priority over hers. Either way, both approaches are sexist and are also characteristic of toxic masculinity—which is toxic to females and males, both.
A female intuitively knows about this punitive part of a male, yet may not consciously be aware of it. Most males need only use a sharp tone of voice to get a female to ‘toe whatever line’ he sets for her. If a man begins fussing about something, an intuitive female might ‘cue into’ whatever he wants her to take care of or stop doing. If there are children in the home, she may give in and do whatever he wants, to keep the peace or avoid a fight in front of the children. Some wives just get tired of always having to fight and argue for their own needs or opinions. When this pattern is internalized by males and females, both, the female is in a lesser position (and often expected to be the unpaid ‘hired help’ and sometimes even work like a male) within the psyches of both ‘partners,’ with the females as ‘junior partners.’ It is far more oppressive and crippling to the female, even as it interferes with genuine intimacy for all males misusing it, not just for females that are caught in these old ‘catch 22’ patterns.
Keep in mind that these patterns, mindsets, beliefs, and negative energies have passed on down through many generations, especially in patriarchal societies and religions. One grandfather used to yell at his children with the same tone of voice that he used with his dogs. If your grandfathers had these patterns, they were taken in by your father and by the male side of your mother. A father may have also learned them through his military service or within a toxic masculine school or work culture. Even if a male identifies with his better angels, the old sexist patterns will persist within his subconscious, and the ‘wrong’ woman, child, or situation can still bring them up in him. They only go completely away, if a person intentionally removes and replaces them with the mindsets and energies right for the soul, which involves inner psychological and spiritual work and transformation, both. If any of these sexist patterns keep playing out in your life, the spiritual world may also be at work.
While the male in these sexist dynamics may become agitated or condescending, in some way, the female will also experience some emotional response, even if very subtle. She may physically and psychologically shut down or otherwise become resigned. If the demands of the male require some action on her part, she may begin to feel and to act a little frantic and anxious, within, as she hurries to do or to stop whatever he wanted, to keep his ‘dog’ at bay and to ‘keep the peace.’ Even if her adult appears to take it in stride, her inner child may be feeling frantic and anxious. Women must pay attention to what they are feeling, when such dynamics happen. If they were inclined to stop or say ‘No’ to a male, first, but then did not, why is/was that? Many men push their agenda, while pushing around anyone in their way; and it is usually easier for them to push around females than to try to dominate male peers.
This pattern can and should be recognized and changed in the outer. Any woman, who is being stepped on, or in front of, can ‘train’ her inner child, who rightly fears this aggressive part of males, to go to a safe place, within, and to also stand behind her strong adult parent, whenever the ‘attack dog’ of an ‘alpha’ may be about to ‘bark,’ ‘snarl,’ or ‘snap’ at her. But, it will be most impactful to change these old dynamics, within. All men that grew up within a patriarchal family and/or culture will have this part, so the challenge for them will be more than just keeping a ‘muzzle’ on that ‘dog.’ With the help of counselors, they must locate and remove that ‘dog’ within their own psyches, and then continue removing it from each of its many ‘locations,’ until it is no longer within their psyche. They must then replace it with an animal and warrior spirit that protects the vulnerable and only acts in self-defense—not to dominate, oppress, or exploit a female, or anyone else. They must then, finally, come into a right relationship and balance with their psyche’s own female side, so that part is no longer crippled and/or oppressed by their masculine sides. Women must also locate and remove any and all aggressive male ‘attack dogs’ from the male sides of their own psyches, even as they work to fully empower their feminine sides. No part of a female should fear any male, within, even if some males in the outer are still not safe for a girl or a maiden to be around.
If your father had a ‘scary’ or punitive part, then imagine what that looked like and cut it loose from his better parts—not to set it loose in your psyche, but to put it into a cage and to then have it carried away and completely out of your psyche. Even if it gave him priority and power over females, this was not a healthy way to have power—and it left him alone, within. His soul could then be compared to a cold, mostly empty pole barn, with this attack ‘dog’ tied up at its door, so others are afraid to get too close, much less to come in. The soul is relational, and it cannot thrive without very close relationships with other human beings, which is fundamentally different from just sharing life’s chores and going places together.
When genuine intimacy is not possible, many men then find other ways to feel as if they are in a close male-female relationship. They plan trips and projects together. Even if some spiritually ‘hollow’ men might be close to nature and have a small furnace of their own, this will not be enough to keep a pole barn warm, while the combination of two furnaces (his and hers) might. Many want girlfriends or wives to take care of them, emotionally. But a marital partner is not, and must never become, the substitute for any man’s mother—nor provide an extra furnace for what a male soul is still missing. A ‘needy little boy’ in a man’s body, clinging to a woman not his relative, is not the same as a husband cleaving to his wife. If the soul of that man is mostly empty, then he is also likely siphoning off life energies from that female, which will then deplete, rather than uplift, her. Even if all of her duties do not exhaust her, having her life energies depleted on a regular basis will eventually take its toll. When women are being psychologically stressed, or even crippled, this will adversely affect their physical health. The body reads the soul and eventually responds, accordingly. The collective pain of past generations of women also passes on down to and through offspring, so females must not overlook the toll that this could also be taking on their soul and body.
One woman’s mother was expected to meet all of the demands of being a farmer’s wife, bearing and raising their children, while also working during the winter months to bring in more income. As a teacher, she also had to keep up with the course work required to stay certified. At that time, many wives did not have modern appliances, so the laundry had to be washed and hung out to dry every Saturday. Women had to tend a garden and do all of the canning for the coming winter, during summer months. This mother had been punitive to one of her two daughters, making her go select and cut the switch that her mother then used to ‘whip’ her. This daughter and victim suffered from mental illness and was ‘bi-polar’ when grown. The other daughter had night terrors, still suffering from anxiety, even as an elder woman. This farmwife and overburdened mother obviously had a good mother/bad mother split. A mental illness like Bi-Polar Disorder also involves a manic/depressive split.
As noted elsewhere by one older American German man, who was only one generation removed from farming, many early farmers wore out their mules and their wives. It is not uncommon for the women to be or become crippled in such families, especially as they age. One farmer, who moved to town after he retired, wanted his wife to ride along with him for his part-time job of delivering newspapers. Another retired man found and initiated ways to help his wife’s relatives, so she had little choice but to go along and to ‘team up’ with him. Laboring or planning together with their wives can feel like intimacy to men, but it’s a poor substitute, at best. And, for certain, the female soul knows that this is not genuine intimacy, which means that the wives can still be alienated, alone, and lonely, deep within their souls.
Mental health begins in childhood—so, in toxic families, its grown-up daughters can use their imaginations to ‘go back’ into their childhood home and memories to stop any and all abuse, which should have been stopped by the other parent, at the time, while also taking their inner children out of that place, or any other places, whenever and wherever it was causing pain and anxiety to their child. One can still break these old family ‘pain chains’ and heal the past, through inner soul work. Do not allow old shadows, fears, or patterns of abuse and/or sexism from the past to still cause anxiety in the present. Lay these to rest. And grown-up sons can do the same. If your female ‘partner’ is doing inner soul work, you will be wise to likewise find a support group or a counselor to help you also do soul work, even if this should be undertaken separately. How long will a psychologically healthy and spiritually empowered woman stay in a close marital relationship with any sexist male?
One answer to sexism, for too many girls and women, has been to identify more with their fathers, so they too can misuse aggressive male ‘attack dog’ energies and dynamics to also have priority and power. But these are just as wrong for a female soul, or even more so, than for a male soul, because these are at odds with a feminine nature, while keeping the soul alone, deep within. When that female is also a mother or in a caregiving role, the toxic mixing of these male attack energies with the homicidal rage and bitterness of past females can intensify her abuse of others. If she does not vent out the energies toward her marital ‘partner,’ she might instead direct them against a child or a vulnerable relative, as her ‘scapegoat,’ which the partner will likely enable, to avoid her wrath, so the two become partners in crime. After these energies build up within her psyche, she then becomes like a train, coming down the tracks, so all little cars had better get out of her way. But the toxins she spews out are ruining relationships with her ‘targets’ and also ‘polluting’ her own soul.
This harmful dynamic always involve a false self, not the authentic self. The persona or a false self is constructed from the materials that were available to it, within the intra-psychic life of its family system and also that psychological environment into which it was born and where it further developed. This process could be compared to the sea animals that slowly construct their protective shells out of those minerals that are available in sea water where they hatched—or to those whales that become slowly covered with barnacles as they grow. If toxic chemicals and pollutants where present in that water, these were likewise taken in. When the parents are also mostly false self, or ‘covered with barnacles,’ then their children must construct their own sense of self from these. One woman actually had the realization that her false self was mostly constructed of the unhealthy dynamics between her parents. As a teen-ager, and even as a grown-up, she acted out the aggressive ‘attack dog,’ combined with the punitive energies, of her arrogant, self-centered, and domineering father, when he was in a fight or a conflict with the homicidal rage and bitterness of her mother. As these energies built up in her own psyche, this woman would then find justifications for venting them out, with her own marital partner or with someone, who was a far more vulnerable target. Her verbal attack then created pain in some other person. If that person counter-attacked, then both parties were being injured. Either way, the ‘pain chain’ continued on.
This dynamic also creates a ‘catch 22’ for mothers. Either they respond to the aggressive ‘attack dog’ of a male by letting him have his way, or they will have to fight with him, which then frightens the children. If they allow the male to have priority, then their needs and the needs of the children will likely be discounted. If they do not stand up to the male, then he may also turn that aggression toward one or more of the children. If they ‘take him on’ and counter-attack, then two grown-ups are being harmed, as well as the harm done to children that witness psychological or physical violence between their parents. These children will also observe that causing pain to someone else can be one way of avoiding one’s own pain, whether it is their father or their mother, or both, modeling these toxic dynamics for them. But keep in mind that, if these harmful dynamics are interwoven with one’s (false) sense of self, one could react like a vulnerable sea animal that has somehow lost its protective shell. One can expect that one’s inner children or some other vulnerable parts of the psyche will want to climb back down into that old ‘rabbit hole,’ the old family system, so one’s adult or parent selves must not allow that to happen. Talk all inner children and/or teenagers out of that response. It is imperative to keep constructing the genuine self, which is one’s spirit or a divine nature translated into a personhood—a work that is psychological and spiritual.
Besides the obvious questions here for couples and parents, do persons running these negative energies really want to continue acting out the ‘attack dog’ for their fathers or the other men in their lives—to their personal detriment? Do persons acting out the homicidal rage and bitterness of their mothers or foremothers want to continue expressing these ugly energies, thereby undermining close relationships? Do they want to model such behaviors? Do they want to be yet another player in the ‘pain game’ and another link in its ‘pain chain?’
What persons doing this may not realize is that these verbal attacks can become habitual and even an addiction. But, until they stop, the person will not likely layer down to the pain underneath them, which is the bottom line. The underlying wounds will have to be healed, before the authentic self can finally, fully emerge, especially at all inner children, teen-age, and young adult stages. Furthermore, underneath the psychological wounds from this life, there will be wounded remnants or partial ghosts from the past that are generational and collective, whose pain also passes down through families and the collective consciousness. When one woman, who was experiencing unexplained pain in her physical body, searched out and got in touch with this far deeper pain, she realized that pain from the forebearers and their past must also be laid to rest. To do this, she imagined these wounded remnants from the past as being placed within small caskets or as small bone fragments and ashes in urns, which were then brought into a ritual space, like funeral services are conducted, with resting in peace as their final destination in the spiritual world. All of these fragments were then buried, and their graves covered over with fabric, to ensure that they must stay at rest. As generational and collective pain, fear, and terror surface out, she can continue using this method, with words and prayers, until nothing weighs down her soul or can manifest in her body. (If foremothers or their children went hungry, ‘ghosts’ can also explain overeating.)
Also, due to their past dependencies upon males, many females still protect the males in their relationships, even if these males are adults and can provide and care for themselves. But doing this only increases co-dependency. Women must not protect a grown male, even if they saw their mothers and aunts adapting to and protecting the men in their lives. If you have a ‘partner,’ do not ‘baby’ or treat him like a child. Men can do whatever a relationship and/or their family requires of them, if they will, as most women were already expected to do and learned to do as older girls—or are now learning to do as healthier adult females.
Elder women must consider what the state of their souls will be in the afterlife. As souls are ‘sorted out,’ during passage through the great oversoul, will those with murder in their hearts be claimed by the dark side? Perhaps a merciful Co-Creator will let their souls ‘rest in peace,’ an eternal sleep, not bliss. Such souls never regain consciousness or reunite with loved ones. Attend to the state of your soul while on earth. If you have a relationship with anyone that openly dominates or is passively aggressive, use it to uncover sexist dynamics. Until women do, they may be displacing fears of a male’s ‘attack dog’ and will be oppressed.
Sarah RisingSun-Lee 